Some days it's all I can do not to cry when I think about how incredibly fast this world is turning. I used to always get so annoyed with my mama when she cried at sappy movies or when my brother and I hit yet another milestone. Daniel and I would joke about it - "there goes Mom again" and roll our eyes. But now, now I understand it. We all try to live our lives to the fullest, to capture each moment, savor the new day. Yet no matter how slow we take things, at 11:59 each night, the day is over. There will never be another May 25, 2011.
When my first child was born, different people would tell me, "Enjoy this. It goes so quickly." I heard it so many times that I would cringe each time I would hear it yet again. I had a terrible time nursing my baby and couldn't wait to NOT have to do it. I looked forward to her hitting each milestone. Since she was our first child, she got lots of attention from us and I can remember stories and feelings and special times with her. My middle child was born when our oldest was only two and a half. Regrettably, I can see how I wasn't able to relish each moment with her in my arms, since I was also tending to a toddler. And it breaks my heart.
In November, I birthed my third babe and have devoted myself to her. She rarely cries. She is always held or being entertained by her big sisters. I am totally 'in the moment' now with all three of my sweet children and yet, that feeling of time slipping away is still there. I have never been happier than I am right now, at this very moment, as the mother to these wonderful beings and partner to my fabulous husband. I want it to be enough - but if I sit still and ponder the future, I burst into tears.
I want to live forever. There, I've said it aloud. I want to experience all of the changes each of my children will go through. I want to see their children's grandchildren. Hell, I want to see if VT really does turn into the temperate rainforest it is supposed to, due to global warming. This will never be 'enough.' Living life to the fullest or simply taking each moment at a time is a contradiction. And yet, each different path has the same outcome. Time still goes on.
One year it is Kindergarten graduation. Soon it will be high school ... The thought of my sweet little ladies growing up and away kills me. My mom used to have a quote on her fridge that she found somewhere: "Give your children two lasting things... One is roots, the other is wings." I love this. I love the imagery it brings to mind of tethering your children's heart to yours, while they are flying high.
So, I'm going to keep crying. And my brother will keep calling me "mom." I am going to want to live as long as all of my children do so that I don't miss a thing. But I can reconcile my heart breaking with my heart overflowing by being the best mama, wife, friend, daughter, sister that I can be each day of my life. I'll never be good friends with Time, but hopefully I will show her that I'm the ruler of how my days go.